The Day My Life Changed

My life changed forever on April 2, 2017. 

That was the day I had my first severe panic attack. 

That’s not what you expected me to say, was it? 

What if I continued on to say that not all of the changes were negative? Would that surprise you even more? Yeah, me too. 

First let’s go back to the beginning. I had struggled with minor anxiety attacks before. I’d even had some experiences where I lost control because of panic and acted impulsively in ways that surprised even me. 

April 2nd was different. It came on slowly. I thought I could handle it. I had been dealing with a tooth infection that had made me feel really sick all while trying to do school and complete internships. I missed some class and some internship. Keeping on top of everything while physically being unable to get off the couch due to weakness took more of a toll on me than I realized. I thought I could handle it all. 

Saturday morning I got up early to go to a required conference. As I started walking to my car, I noticed a pain in my back. I became increasingly anxious when this pain didn’t go away. 

After a few hours I decided to go to the ER to make sure it wasn’t my heart. I was told it was muscular and was sent home with muscle relaxants. Oh yeah, forgot about that pesky back injury from the car accident a few months earlier. 

Fast forward to Sunday night. I took a muscle relaxant and went to bed, hoping that would help me sleep through the night. 

Instead I woke up at 1am completely groggy from the medication with my arms and legs tingling and a tight chest. I was terrified. I decided we should head to the ER. As we were getting ready my world began to feel unsteady and I felt as though I was going to collapse. I told Alyssa that we needed to call 911. So she did. 

There I sat on the couch, frozen and terrified, as more paramedics than I could count stood around the room. Within seconds, the lead paramedic recognized it as a panic attack due to my claw-like, locked hands and the fading pain as I relaxed.  They, of course, told me to follow up at the ER. I was humiliated. 

How had it reached this point?

How did I not know it was a panic attack? 

Had I somehow failed?

These questions reeled through my mind. 

Despite the reassurance of the people around me, I saw failure. 

Yet the next day as I stumbled through my day feeling broken and vulnerable, I began to see the unexpected: grace. Grace for myself. God had not abandoned me. In fact, He was in it all, loving me and allowing me to realize that anything, even panic, could be used for His glory. So I knew on that day that I would write this blog post. I didn’t know when, but I knew I would eventually. 

My world changed. 

I have had more panic attacks. I probably will continue to have more. 

But so much more than that changed. The world became brighter. I found connections with people in a new, powerful, and vulnerable way. 

The number of people that have opened up to me about having a similar experience is astounding. 

There should be no shame in something that is out of a person’s control and is simply the body’s way of coping with stress. 

So. If you are someone who knows someone who struggles with panic attack, extend grace. 

If you struggle with panic and anxiety, know that you are not alone. Give yourself grace. And remember that it is not forever. I am always here to listen if you need someone to listen who understands first hand. 

Backyard Mission {Trip}

I have started a new blog to share about a new season of my life! Check out backyardmissiontrip.blogspot.com :)

Here are some details about an upcoming fundraiser for the mission trip described on the blog!

Come join us for a time of ornament making!! These ornaments could be given as gifts or used to add to your own holiday collection!! Please invite friends! :)

Details:

Date: December 7, 2013

Time: 2-5pm

Location: Contact me if you are interested, and I will send you the location! (nshute1308@gmail.com)

Cost: $6 donation/ornament

All money donated will be going towards Backyard Mission {Trip} which is a year-long mission trip my friend and I will be taking in 2015. 

CHOC WALK!!!!!

This past Sunday was the much anticipated CHOC walk! :) Can I just say it COMPLETELY fueled my passion for serving different organizations in this way--and providing me what a way to get exercise too!


It started with an early morning. My dad picked up my friend and I at 6am! None of us were too sure if it was worth it at that point. Having on the CHOC walk shirts and wristbands made it feel real though.

We drove to Disneyland and waited in the long line to get into the Mickey and Friends parking structure. At this point, we began to realize how big this walk really was. With a crowd of people we made our way down the escalators and onto the road the tram normally runs. We walked...and walked...until we reached the gate of Disneyland entrance.




Here the understanding of the immensity of the walk increased. A huge amount of people were being funneled through a tiny gate. So we waited.

Finally we made it to Main Street! Now we could begin walking, right??? Lol. Not really. We waited in another crowd.
However, as we waited on Main Street, there was a person (high up in Disney...can't remember who) announcing each of the groups as they walked by. Some groups were nurses from the hospital. (Like the SUTUREHEROES! Had the cutest spin off of Superman with stitches in the "S." They were from the surgical unit of the hospital.)
Others were victory stories of children who had survived because of CHOC's care. It was fun to see people who were presumably the "CHOC babies."
However, the groups that stood out to me the most--and at one point brought tears to my eyes--was those walking in memory of a child who has lost his or her medical battle. It amazed and humbled me to see just how many people would turn out for those groups. I bet some groups were 30 or more people! Seeing the photos on their signs of those little ones who are no longer here both touched and broke my heart.
A fourth group wasn't represented at the walk, but crossed my mind too: Those who were at CHOC and couldn't make it to the walk. Some may have even planned on it, but then their child took a turn for the worse or had scheduled chemo or some other complication came up.
This is why I walked. These children matter.

Back to the experience itself. After we passed the announcer, we were able to walk a little more freely...and had gotten used to the crowd. ;) We walked through most of the sections of the park. Just before exiting Disneyland, we had the chance to walk behind scenes. We were cheered on by groups of cheerleaders and received free waters from Aquafina.

Then we moved on to California Adventure. This didn't feel as crowded because of the wider walkways. We even got to walk past one of the Cars Land rides that is normally closed.

This whole walk felt like such a celebration! Everyone was here for one purpose. And we all knew it.

The final section of the walk was through Downtown Disney. We had reached the finish line!!

I felt invigorated for the rest of the day. :) In a small way, I had made a difference. And with the 60,000 of us who came, we made a big difference. *sigh of satisfaction*

Thank you to those who donated to CHOC!!!


(Bonus: Dad bought my friend and I discounted tickets to Disneyland for another day! ;) )

Five Minute Friday: True

I could take the word "True" in so many different directions: what it means for means to speak truth, what being true is, etc.

Instead I think I will spend the next 5 minutes telling you some random "true" facts about me. :)

1. I have been "missing in action" for the past week because I just started a new job as a speech therapy assistant at a clinic! It has been an overwhelming yet amazing week. God is filling me with a love and patience for each of the clients. And I am starting to bond with my co-workers. It is a new step in my journey...and while I'm tired, I am also at peace and full of excitement.

2. Recently I have been greatly excited by aquariums and fish! It is a new found passion I suppose. When I saw that two of my co-workers had betta fish in their rooms, I was almost giddy with excitement. I'd love to have a couple bigger aquariums in my apartment, but for now I am loving my 5-gallon aquarium with some neon tetras. P.S. This picture is from my first attempt at an aquarium that didn't go so well...and lasted only a month... Poor fishies.

3. I have the hardest time keeping my apartment clean! There are no children in this apartment. Only 4 single adult women. So WHY is it still SO messy?! My goal is to get on top of it soon...before I start any other projects...but unfortunately that is stopping progress in every area... Hmmm. Ideas???

This week's Five-Minute Friday!! Last week my blog post just didn't happen...lol. So here's this week's! Brought to you by: http://lisajobaker.com/

Thank You

Jesus,

Thank You for taking the penalty for my sin. I do not thank You enough for the sacrifice that my salvation took. You gave up your life, so that I could live. All too often I forget the cost. And all too often I say thank you with my lips, but my heart does not understand the gravity of the words. So humbly I come, with tears in my eyes, and say "thank you" for coming to my rescue. Thank You for giving me the gift of continual access to You and Your Father through prayer. Thank You for paying with Your blood for my "ticket to Heaven" which gives me hope and security in a world full of pain. Thank You for dying, even though you knew I would continue to mess up and have times of stubbornness and rebellion. I take the time to write my family and friends thank you notes, yet I have never written You one. Forgive me.

Thank You for never giving up on me. Thank You for loving me where I am, yet always calling me to becoming closer to You. Thank You for who I am through You.

Most of all, thank You for giving me what I could not give myself: salvation, freedom, redemption.

Thank You for the life I have because of Your sacrifice.

I could go on for a long time...thanking You for all that You have done in my life...

I offer instead my life. And these simple words: Thank You.

Your adopted and forgiven daughter,
Nicole

Five Minute Friday: Mercy

Mercy.

It's a code name I gave someone during one of the darkest times of my life.

Yet it is also the word that resonates with the rescue from that same time. I had come from a place where I walked with God, yet I viewed Him as a God who I could control. A God smaller than the Great I AM. A vending machine God.

Even now typing those words is difficult. To admit how far away from truth I had slipped because of the influence of "friends."

Yet God, in His abundant mercy, disciplined me. He showed me HIS great power in ways that I could not deny. He brought conviction and heart ache. The people I had called friends were taken away.

So how is this mercy? It is mercy because God showed me who He was...and through doing so who I am. He created something beautiful from the mess that I had made. He showed me mercy. God gave me Himself, a gift I do not deserve. By revealing Himself to me, God also gave me a new chance at life. An abundant life.

That is mercy.

I am embarking on a new adventure on this blog with something called "Five Minute Fridays" which you can learn more about here: http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/  Feel free to join me!! :)

Vienne

Ever have those stories that you hear and hit you to the core? You can't just sit by and let it pass you by?  One of those stories came my way today. <3

I was laying in bed stressing out about my job search. I won't go into details on that one as there are so many unknowns right now. I'll wait until I know more... Anyway, I was looking at my Facebook, thinking how I should really do something else. Then I noticed a common story popping up in various places on my newsfeed.

Today is the one year anniversary of little Vienne going to Heaven. <3 She died suddenly with essentially no warning. Tears filled my eyes. Suddenly, my situation went to the back burner. As you know from previous posts, I often follow blogs of cancer kids, so death of children is sadly not something all that unusual on my newsfeed (as I follow a cancer awareness/encouragement foundation). Something about this story hit me in a way I don't even understand. As I write this tears fall down my cheeks. My only explanation is that God has stirred my heart because this family needs me to weep with them and to show them that they are not alone. <3 <3 <3

LORD, encourage this family in their darkness. Bring to them rays of hope during this seemingly hopeless time. Use my broken heart for you glory. Amen.

I hope my older brother who was brought to Heaven before birth is with Vienne today...and perhaps welcomed her there... To both of you, I cannot wait to meet you in Heaven. Vienne, you are greatly missed by many. You made more of a difference in this world than you could ever know.

The Bible tells us to weep with those who weep.

So, yes, today I weep for a girl I never knew. I wear blue and/or green in her memory.